I think I have an eating disorder. I decided not to eat all day and now that I’m eating all I’m telling myself is “Why are you even eating?”, “Your body is absolutely disgusting.”, “You look like your wearing a fat suit.”, “That will make you even fatter.”.
I honestly need help but sometimes I eat too much and then again sometimes I don’t eat at all. This is what I go through and body issues are the worst. Everything would be better if I lost weight but I just don’t feel mentally ready to take on extreme exercise to lose this baggage.
Like, I don’t think I’m in the unhealthy range yet, but I’m still too fat for my height.
I feel like time is running out and that if I don’t lose this weight right now that my body will look like this:
And I honestly DO NOT want to have invasive surgery, EVER.
THIS ISN’T EVEN MY FAULT I HATE MY FUCKING PARENTS.
But it’s my problem now so I can’t keep blaming them. It’s my responsibility and my body and my health. I just want to be thin and not have to hide my sexuality.
And I’m not talking about being gay, I’m talking about THAT I LOVE SEX AND WANT TO FLIRT AND EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME, but I can’t because I have that voice in my head telling me “HE DOESN’T WANT YOU!”, “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF WITH HOW YOU LOOK!”.
Because in my most honest moment on here (and this is) I don’t leave my house sometimes, not because I’m afraid of what others say, but because I am so brainwashed by MYSELF that others can’t handle how I look, or that I am too ashamed to show my face.
And someday’s I am really confident; my hair and skin look great and my weight is easily concealable, and I can go out to a friends (yeah I don’t go to even my best friend’s house if I feel too fat, even though she’s basically seen me naked) or to the mall or even Walmart.
But it became too much to worry about and I needed to rest and that’s why I need writing. Because I don’t have to be seen to write. I’m not being judged on my looks, but my intelligence/creativity. And I can handle that, but I can’t handle anything that has to do with my body image. I’ll break down for days.
I come off as confident, sassy and self-superior, but in reality it’s all just a persona. I’m so fucking insecure, not about my personality at all, but my looks, that I feel like I need this SUPER ME to take over and do everything so I don’t have to be judged and being an anonymous person (and just because I post pictures of my face doesn’t stop me from being anonymous, because honestly my face is like one of those puzzles where you can switch heads and bodies because I don’t gain weight in my face easily) keeps me uplifted.
This site keeps me sane and I thank anyone who’s ever been there for me. I could never delete because this blog is literally my security blanket.
But I have to remember that I AM YOUNG AND FABULOUS AND CAN DO THIS THE RIGHT WAY.
It’s just hard since my mother will not help/support me whatsoever.
I need healthy food and I need a gym member ship and she just says it’s not going to happen.
I just look at myself an see the skinny me and then I blink and like “Whoah fatass where’d you come from?”.
I’m sorry for getting in the way with my early twenties angst.